Slinker & Stinker

Our cat, a gorgeous 13 year old calico that I adopted from some farmers (literally - I was living in Madison, WI during law school and got her from a neighbor whose parents had a farm), has many names and nicknames.

She was originally named Rufus. By the farmers. I would never willingly assign that name to a living creature. (But we did name Monkey's favorite stuffed animal Rufus, simply because it is such a funny name!)


So when "Rufus" arrived in my apartment, tiny and scared to death, meowing without sound due to her extreme anxiety, I renamed her "Oliver." Why the boy's name for a girl cat? Because the farmers (who are supposed to know about these things, that's their job!) told me she was a boy cat. Except, um, calico coloration only occurs in females. So when I brought Oliver to the vet they had a good laugh at me. Yeah, thanks, farmers.

Before Monkey was born, The King and I channelled a lot of love into that cat. Still do, just not 24-7; they have to share. When I was pregnant I carried Ollie around so much that The King joked her real name should be White Paws Don't Touch Ground.

One of Ollie's other names is HRM. As in, her royal majesty, queen of all she surveys. This name came about because Monkey waves like she's royalty - a little hand waggle like the Queen. I started calling her HRM but was corrected by my cousin (the pediatrician who tortures Monkey with the stethoscope) that technically, Monkey is only HRH - her royal highness. Because Ollie came first. Only fair.

Last night, Ollie reminded The King and I of her final nickname - stinker. In the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, the creature Gollum is named Slinker and/or Stinker by Frodo's companion Samwise, since the creature alternates between being merely creepy (slinker) or bad (stinker). Ollie does that too. The nights that she is good? She slinks around the apartment, sleeps on us with her deep rumbling purr, or leaves us alone. Other nights? She is a STINKER. She nudges, nibbles, jumps, plays, licks and generally harasses us. As in, keeps us awake for a good portion of the night.

Why act like a Stinker? Because she is a cat. And because she wants to be fed. (she's on a diet - she got fat a few years back and is now in the "maintenance" stage, keeping the unwanted lbs off)

When we first put Ollie on a diet she would wake us up at 4am to beg for food. We would ignore her, in an attempt to teach her that we would feed her at 6am. This taught her all right - she learned that if she bothered us from 4-6am she'd get food! Duh. Good think we aren't animal trainers.

So now when she bugs us, we feed her a teensy portion of food and stumble back to bed. Not too bad.

Except for nights like last night. Ollie got fed at 4am, but that wasn't good enough. She wanted MORE. More food, more attention, more ribbon chasing, basically anything we were willing to give.

She was so desperate for a playmate that she resorted to her "nuclear option" of......this is gross....licking my armpits. Ew. And which, by the way, really tickles!!!!!!!!

I resorted to hiding under the sheets, hoping she'd go away, the stinker. The problem is, she's such a good cat (99% of the time) and such a pleasure, that I felt bad giving her the heisman. So, I did what any good, kind, cat owner would do. Yup, I pushed her onto The King's side of the bed and went back to sleep.