Some observations from the mother of an insane toddler....

For the record? I love my daughter. In fact, love is a weak word to describe my feelings towards her.


However, sometimes I have to just laugh.....here is why (at least this week):


1) The pacifier is now known as the "nuclear option" (as in, when she goes nuclear...). It used to be affectionately known as the "mute button" before we learned that Monkey's wails were loud enough to peel paint off the walls while simultaneously piercing eardrums. Why the wailing? See items 2, 4, 5 and 6, below.

2) The only acceptable food groups for Monkey include: a) cheerios; b) fruit; c) fake crab; and d) cookies. All other food/food groups are suspicious and must be licked with a wrinkled nose before potential rejection. Also, all foods must now be transported into Monkey's mouth by her hands, and her hands only. Spoons and sporks are to be rejected or recycled as weapons of mess and destruction. Ok, busted - you're right, I'm exaggerating: she will also happily ingest any random tidbits of cheerios, fruit, dust, paper or other delicious detritus she finds on the ground.

3) Monkey loves to walk, fast, and if at all possible will reject the offer of a helping hand to balance her or otherwise slow her down. Added to her "suicide gene," which prompts her to head right into traffic/towards danger, this means that we are constantly scurrying around half-bent over, keeping her out of harm's way.

4) Never the less, she manages to find harm's way. Yesterday, while at the park, within arm's reach of mom, dad, nana and granddad, Monkey bent at the waist to inspect the laces on her new sneakers. She stood there, gravely inspecting the laces when...she fell forward. Face plant. She has a faint pattern of scratches/bruises on her forehead that looks exactly like the asphalt. Just in time to go to school this Thursday.

5) Speaking of school, Monkey's lead teacher from montessori daycare/preschool came to our apartment this past Friday to meet Monkey. I was all set to comb Monkey's hair into pigtails, and put her in a smashingly-cute (or at least clean) outfit to make a good impression. So of course, not 30 minutes before the teacher arrived, Monkey was toddling past a speaker and wiped out, bashing her face on the edge. Although she was no longer sobbing when the teacher arrived, her hair was uncombed, she was still in her pj's smeared with breakfast, and her eye had puffed up sufficiently to prompt the teacher to ask if we wanted to reschedule so we could take her to the doctor/ER. Now that's what I'd call a memorable first impression.

6) Amidst the trauma and melodrama, some seriously funny behavior....Monkey adores her pediatrician but is woefully afraid of his stethoscope. Having it placed on her back caused her to shake, shriek, and sob for a good 10 minutes AFTER he hid the infernal device from her sight. So, being a good godmother and a good pediatrician, my cousin Heather brought over her own stethoscope to help Monkey with this phobia. At the sight of it, Monkey's eyes grew wide and her lip started to tremble in anticipation of tears. A compromise was reached and the stethoscope was nonchalantly hung on the back of a chair, while Monkey played on the other side of the table, out of sight. Perhaps 5 minutes passed, and then....Monkey tried to sneak up on the stethoscope! She crouched down low, put her hands out in front of her, and - with her eyes glued to the stethoscope to make sure it wasn't moving - she snuck around the edge of the table and another chair to take a peek at it!! My little huntress!!! Heather laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall out of her chair, and I had Elmer Fudd's voice running through my head ("Shh, be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting a wabbit..."). While this does not bode well for future doctor's appointments, we did discover that stringing the stethoscope through the handles to the china cabinet will stop Monkey from attempting to break through the babyproofing. Excellent (ab)use of a phobia, wouldn't you say? I thought so.

That's all for now. Stay tuned!
MamaCarter

(Editor's note - Monkey is fine, healing nicely, and that nasty speaker is now swaddled in foam...oh and Social Services has yet to appear, so apparently we're in the clear, for now....)