All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth, my Two Front Teeth....

So. Can we talk about Jellybean’s tushie for a minute here? I know, I know, just WAAAY too much sharing going on here. But really – let’s talk.

For the past two or more weeks, this kid has been teething. Not “kind of” teething. Not teething “a little bit.” But HARDCORE teething that drives her so mad with itchiness and sore gums she’s repeatedly:

1) chewed on my collarbone (um, ow);

2) thrown her head back in the air and bared her gums as if airing them out would magically make the itchiness go away (imagine a lion roaring and you’re close to the image you should have – it would be impressive if it wasn’t so funny);

3) gnawed on her pacifier, her toys, her clothing, her fingers, the palm of her hand, my hair, my clothing, my fingers, the spoon……anything that can be shoved into her maw; and

4) wait for it………had constant awful teething diarrhea.

Yup, diarrhea. Ruin your clothing diarrhea. Make a mess on the crib-sheets diarrhea. Wake you up at night diarrhea. Wake mom and dad up at night diarrhea (ok, maybe just mom). And…..give you diaper rash so bad diarrhea that poor Jellybean is now on her SECOND kind of prescription butt-cream.

Ow.

For the record, she’s completely on the mend. And M and I won’t be traumatized (forever) by the image of the raw, open, skin on her bottom. (gah, just typing that makes me shudder. It was so bad that it made my physically ill to think about it, still does to be honest).

And now? Finally? SHE HAS A TOOTH! A chopper on the top!!

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......................................................oh wait. One.

Yeah, one.

Crap. How many more teeth does she have to go?

Playing Favorites

So I have a confession to make. I suspect that Jellybean is one of her teacher's favorites. And I can't help but think - OF COURSE she is!

When I dropped her off at school yesterday morning (yes, the day I had POOP on me), she had fallen asleep in the Ergo baby carrier. She was snuggled in and snoring gently. Ah, so cute.

But everyone knows how cranky a baby can be if you wake them up. So, I slipped my shoes off, walked quietly into her room, and attempted to extricate Jellybean from the Ergo in order to gently place her on her napping spot. And....she woke up.

In a great mood! She rubbbed her eyes, looked around the room, and smiled her toothy little grin. And then waved! Like - hi teachers! Howdy!

Now, mind you, at that moment in time every other baby in the room was crying. Or screaming. Take your pick.

One of the teachers looked at Jellybean, looked at the other little ones (the bright red in the face SCREAMING little ones), and said - "oh, she's so easy." With more than a little bit of relief in her voice.

Mind you, they are too kind (and professional) to ever say anything that would indicate they have a favorite.

But in my mind, I think they do. Just a little bit. Because she's just so damn happy, my 'lil bean.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm hidden pooooooop.

That was the text I got back from my little brother, when I texted him to say I was headed home to change my shirt because it had poop on it.

Nice.

The sweet smell of???

Ok, so Jellybean has a serious case of diaper rash. The kind that makes me check with not one, but two, pediatricians about what to do. The sight of open sores on your one month old's raw bottom is enough to make anyone feel bad, and when you change the diapers on that little raw little butt about 12 times a day (ok, maybe 10 now) you REALLY feel bad.

So, I figured out which diaper rash cream has the highest content of zinc oxide, the better to protect her poor tushie and let it heal. And the winner is? Boudreaux's Butt Paste. I know, nice name, right?

But the thing is? It is really working!

The only problem? It boasts of a "pleasant scent"....and honestly, it kind of smells like vanilla.

My problem with this, you might ask? Jellybean's butt smells ever so much like....a.....cupcake.

I find that to be rather disconcerting.

Wish me luck.....

Monkey woke up this morning with a dry diaper. Which is one of the signs that she is ready to start potty-training! Wow. Woohoo! She's on her way to really becoming a big girl! No more diapers!!! Only, her school has me a little wary about this process.

See, Monkey is enrolled at a wonderful daycare that follows the Montessori method. Most days, this means that her school (if we have parent-teacher conferences, I'm calling it a school, dammit!) is a daycare on steroids. And I don't mean steroids in a nasty cheating Barry Bonds and (you too??? sigh, my heroes are cheaters...) Roger Clemens way. No, what I mean by "on steroids" is that it is a place where I would LOVE to spend my time!

It has two indoor gyms and a pit full of balls and cool toys and music lessons and field trips to the park and tables and chairs that are Monkey's size....so let's just say that this place is actually worth what we pay. (and um, that's a LOT, thank-you-very-little Manhattan you price-gouger you...)

But, what this also means is that they never, EVAH, take the easy way out. If a child is throwing a tantrum because he or she can't get the lid off of a can, do they take the lid off to stop that infernal whining? Nope. They sit down, talk to the child in a reasonable and kind manner, and show her how to take the lid off by herself. Like a BIG girl.

The same mentality holds true with....dun dun duh......potty training; they.......don't........allow.............pull-ups.

The theory is that pulls-ups (like diapers) do such a great job of keeping the liquid off of the skin that it isn't uncomfortable to wear a wet pull-up for minutes, even hours! (This is how kids pee their diapers yet sleep, blissfully unaware, through the night. Thank you pampers, I love you! My undereye bags thank you!). So no pull-ups, or they never become aware of their bodily functions.

Oy.

Yup, they use "training pants" which are essentially thick cotton undies. So the kids pee their underwear, and get the icky wet sensation. Which they want to avoid...and learn to avoid by using the potty.

Ok, I get this. It makes perfect sense. Only this also means that you need to bring tons of clean clothing to school each week (since they might pee themselves, and their pants, a few times each day...). And, you have to have extra shoes on hand. So when the pee rolls down their legs and puddles in their shoes, they have something to change into.

Ugh. I am reminded, yet again, how much I luuuuuve diapers. Did I mention that I am slightly anal and don't like messes? And am maybe a bit of a germaphobe?

The idea of cleaning out a potty chair grosses me out. It is one thing to diaper a baby, with squishy mustard-poo, and then to move into stinky poop once they eat solids....but this is all nicely, and mostly neatly, handled by a diaper. That you throw out.

Soon, I'll be washing undies (and clothes, and shoes too, apparently) that are full of poop and pee. Here's hoping she gets potty-trained in record time!!

So, yeah, wish me luck!

Viva la resistance!

Monkey has apparently been watching the history channel when we weren't paying attention, and has learned from Mahatma Gandhi's biography the tenets of non-violent resistance. She employs these methods when confronted by racism, sexism, apartheid, the war in Iraq, George Bush's policy drivel, hedge fund's taxation at 15%, and other offensive and/or morally repugnant activities.

Recent offensive activities include:

• changing of poopy diaper
• combing of hair
• wearing of clean clothing

When confronted with an undesired activity, she goes limp and flops to the floor like a wet noodle.

She's fighting the power, man.