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I'd feel guilty about taking her photo if this weren't so darn funny.

Is that a mouse in the wall?

Yesterday I was putting something by the door when a noxious smell overtook me. It was so gross I started inspecting (even sniffing) all 8 gazillion pairs of shoes and boots, to see if someone had stepped in dog poop and tracked it into the apartment. Then I had the sinking suspicion that a mouse had died inside the walls, and we'd be forced to endure the smell as the wee rodent's body rotted, then dried into inoffensive nothingness, over weeks if not months of time.

But no. The offending smell was.......Jellybean's backpack.

So we're (still! agh) potty training Jellybean. Some days she's damn near perfect. And....other days I end up washing out multiple sets of poopy underwear.

Each day at school, the Montessori sends home any accidents (poop or pee) - usually in a balled up, inside-out latex glove that holds the offending clothing inside of it. Pretty ingenious, if you ask me - but also kind of a pain to unravel.

Monday through Friday I have a wonderful babysitter, C2, that helps. He's very vigilant about taking the accidents out of the bag, so they don't linger in Jellybean's backpack.

And I check, too, when I pack her bag in the morning with her lunch.

Except somehow we missed two of them. They were tucked into a rarely used pocket of the backpack (which has more folds and fissures than the face of a nonagenarian living in Texas and eschewing sunblock).

Eeuw.

I'm not usually grossed out by things. I grew up discussing surgery at the dinner table with my mom (trained as a public health nurse), or helping to clean fish with my dad (the avid outdoorsman). If I had time, I'd actually watch the TV shows that film surgeries; I think that stuff is cool.

Smells, however? That is tougher. When I was pregnant, I could barely handle walking around outside in the summer, as sweaty folks walking past me smelled so repugnant it would make me gag.

I started to unwrap the balled up gloves....but I couldn't do it. Epic fail.

I wavered in my determination. My eyes watered and my courage failed me: I tossed them out. Sorry kid - those Hello Kitty undies went to a better place!

Hello....anyone still out there?

I know, it's been radio silence. Hope readers still exist...

We've been busy. I'm on augmentin for a sinus/bronchitis infection and am feeling much better (aw, thanks for asking!)  - as a result I once again have the mental capacity to actually note the happenings in our lives....going to bed 38 seconds after the kids do leaves little time for things like blogging. Or, you know, life.

But life has been happening! Let me fill you in:

Jellybean broke my nose. She head butted me. (stop laughing, little brother!) I have been calling her a butthead at work for the past two weeks and only today did anyone get the joke. Head butt....butthead. Oh g*d my jokes are bad that I need to explain them! (I'm here all week! don't forget to tip your waitress! har)

But, no joke here - we're potty training our Jellybean! She's had three days at school without an accident! She's my big girl. We started this process at the prompting of her school - and also because she won't tolerate a dirty diaper. The kicker was that she kept taking off poopy diapers and I had to go find the - ahem - nuggets that rolled away. That was pretty motivating, between you and me.

Monkey wants in on all the praise we're heaping on Jellybean for using the potty - so now she offers to "show her sister how to use the potty" each time she heads in. And what the heck - she's a great role model, so we praise her. I love that kid. And I'm not the only one...

It's amazing how much Jellybean adores her big sister. She wants to sit by her at breakfast. She wants to wear her big sister's clothing to school (she wore two of Monkey's pj tops to school today. Yes, that's right, two. And yes, Jellybean is now picking out her clothes. sigh)

Anything that Monkey does? So does Jellybean. It's (no pun intended) monkey see, monkey do. And it's adorable. We used to think we had Jellybean for Monkey, but I think it's the other way around.

Monkey is thriving at school. We just signed her up for summer camp, and part of it will be Spanish immersion. I give her about 6 months before she starts teaching me things to say in Spanish, and tricks me (you know, like the lead in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who says "I have three testicles" to his fiancee's family....funny).

Monkey has also bought into the Santa thing, hook line and sinker. I was talking to her the other day, suggesting that if she was good maybe Santa would bring her and Jellybean a table that they could do artwork on together, and wouldn't that be fun...and she sighed, said yes it would be great, but "how will Santa get it down the chimney? the chimney is only 18 inches wide!!" Funny kid. Especially since we don't have a chimney!

Sometimes, money CAN buy you happiness

Jellybean is precocious in the manner of all second children (or any number other than first!). She watches her big sister and imitates her.

She imitates her reading. She imitates her silly voice. She imitates her dancing. She imitates her mad toothbrushing skillz..... and, she imitates her using the potty.

In fact, the other night we put her on the potty, and she actually peed in it! I'm not sure who was more startled - her, or me!

Now, as a resident of Manhattan that isn't wildly wealthy (or wildly underwater on a jumbo mortgage), we have limited living space. Our bathroom, shared by 4 humans and a geriatric cat, gives new meaning to the concept of family closeness. We simply don't have much extra space.

When Monkey was potty training, I bought her a special Elmo potty training seat. Which she thought was cool (in theory), but I hated. HATED.

See, this g*dam&n potty seat was HUGE. It took up half of the available space on the floor of our bathroom. And worse yet? When you touched Elmo's hand? He'd cackle, and say something congratulatory like "way to go" in that highpitched voice of his (shudder).

Then, when we were visiting Grandma and 'Andpa, we saw...THE potty seat. The BEST potty seat - ever. The kid part is hidden (held by a magnet) in the lid of the regular seat. No extra stuff in the way. No creepy voice in the middle of the night when your foot brushes Elmo's hand, causing you to leap 3 feet into the air.

And do you know that it cost about $30? That 30 dollars really made a vast improvement in our life.  Sometimes, just sometimes, money really can buy you happiness.

And then.....nothing

So, since the latest and greatest experience in potty training????


N.O.T.H.I.N.G.




This kid is taking her own damn sweet time.

Made mama whoop for joy!

Eons ago we thought the potty training might have started, but that was...um....March, and now it is October. You know, seven months ago.

Since then we've been offering Monkey the potty, talking about using the potty, and reading a book about potty training a lot. Not every single day, but often. We never forced the issue because, well, she's a pig-headed stubborn child (like both her parents) and forcing the issue would only guarantee tantrums and a flat-out refusal to cooperate. And I'd like her to be potty trained before she goes to college.

Every single time I asked Monkey if she wanted to use the potty she'd say no. Not interested, thank you.

But last night? For the first time that I recall, she actually ASKED to use the potty. So, naked (since she was about to get into the bath), she sat on the potty. And by potty, I mean the actual toilet with a little insert to make sure she doesn't fall in. She refuses to sit on the (shudder) Elmo potty chair I bought for her...and that's fine with me. We use the insert and the rest of it is now a step stool, so it works.

Well, she didn't pee. But she did ask for toilet paper and to flush the toilet. Which is something she only gets to do if she USES the potty (i.e., pees or poops). So after a few minutes of nothing happening, I took her off the potty. And she asked to sit on the potty. So, naked she sat on the potty. And asked for toilet paper and to flush the toilet. Which....oh, you get the point. We repeated this behavior for another 25 minutes or so.

And then, just when I was thinking this might be a pointless exercise and she was yanking my chain for the fun of it.....she peed in the potty! I literally whooped for joy. Man, a few years back if you would have told me that watching my daughter pee all over everything (because she kind of peed ON the insert, instead of INTO the toilet) would make me this happy I would have told you to pound sand. Seriously - like who would actually think this is a big deal? Well, fast forward to our life and honestly - it really was awesome. And I really did whoop for joy.

And then? Because we strive to fulfill all stereotypes of first-time parents who think their child walks on water? We called BOTH sets of grandparents and had Monkey tell her story. Yup. Good times, good times.

Here's hoping she does it again before another 7 months go by...........

Playing Catch Up

For the second time in the span of four weeks I got the stomach flu. I'm now 5 lbs lighter. I would rather gnaw off my arm than lose weight this way. And I still can't stomach (ha, pun intended. ok, so my humor's still off, too. shoot me) anything other than saltines, bread, and oatmeal. Can I get some cheese with my whine? Thanks. So, let's play catch up:

1) We have scheduled a haircut for Monkey. Nana will be in town on that day, so she is going to come with us to distract Monkey from the scary machinations of the stylist (because considering how much she luuuuuuvs the stethoscope, I'm guessing she will also detest scissors). I will be capturing this blessed event on film. I think I need a before and after, to demonstrate just how freakishly long her hair is! Seriously, it is down past the middle of her back!

2) Monkey is not a fan of cinnamon. How do I know this? Um, well, errr.....let's just say that the garbage lid was open and resting on top of all the other detritus was a piece of well-chewed cinnamon trident. And leave it at that. Ahem.

3) M is a super star. After tending to Monkey and feeding me sprite for two days (plus tending to Monkey when I was in my photography class last night), he is tuckered out. But he's also Monkey's favorite. This morning I picked her up out of the crib and she didn't even bother to say "hello" before she started hollering for daddy. Awww.

4) Monkey's favorite word continues to be "robot." This makes me giggle. She was hollering it over and over this morning as she dug through the bucket of flashcards (strewing them about like she was threshing wheat, sigh) until she found the robot flashcard. Then, beaming with pride, she marched over to me and showed me the robot. This kid cracks me up!

And last, but certainly not least....

5) Dun dun dun..............Monkey USED THE POTTY! And we didn't even quite realize it! Yes, I know we collectively have two BAs, a JD, a PhD, a MS, and a CFA (we like school, shush!) but that doesn't mean we're, like, smart-smart. Here's the story: Monkey tugged at her diaper, so we asked her (on a lark) if she wanted to use the potty. She nodded yes, so M took her into the bathroom and helped her get her pants and diaper off. She sat on the potty. I wandered in at this point. And Monkey wanted toilet paper, to wipe herself. So I let her. She has done this before, imitating me, so I didn't think much of it. Her bath was running so in she went. And about a minute later I noticed that there was some liquid in the potty. I thought it was splashed bathwater! Until I poured it into the toilet for confirmation (yellow, yup it's pee!). Meanwhile we didn't even bother to congratulate her because we didn't know it was happening. Still, I am SO proud of her!

That's all I remember from the last few days. I'm sure I'll think of something interesting once I am not addled by lack of sleep and proper nutrition. Byeee!

Wish me luck.....

Monkey woke up this morning with a dry diaper. Which is one of the signs that she is ready to start potty-training! Wow. Woohoo! She's on her way to really becoming a big girl! No more diapers!!! Only, her school has me a little wary about this process.

See, Monkey is enrolled at a wonderful daycare that follows the Montessori method. Most days, this means that her school (if we have parent-teacher conferences, I'm calling it a school, dammit!) is a daycare on steroids. And I don't mean steroids in a nasty cheating Barry Bonds and (you too??? sigh, my heroes are cheaters...) Roger Clemens way. No, what I mean by "on steroids" is that it is a place where I would LOVE to spend my time!

It has two indoor gyms and a pit full of balls and cool toys and music lessons and field trips to the park and tables and chairs that are Monkey's size....so let's just say that this place is actually worth what we pay. (and um, that's a LOT, thank-you-very-little Manhattan you price-gouger you...)

But, what this also means is that they never, EVAH, take the easy way out. If a child is throwing a tantrum because he or she can't get the lid off of a can, do they take the lid off to stop that infernal whining? Nope. They sit down, talk to the child in a reasonable and kind manner, and show her how to take the lid off by herself. Like a BIG girl.

The same mentality holds true with....dun dun duh......potty training; they.......don't........allow.............pull-ups.

The theory is that pulls-ups (like diapers) do such a great job of keeping the liquid off of the skin that it isn't uncomfortable to wear a wet pull-up for minutes, even hours! (This is how kids pee their diapers yet sleep, blissfully unaware, through the night. Thank you pampers, I love you! My undereye bags thank you!). So no pull-ups, or they never become aware of their bodily functions.

Oy.

Yup, they use "training pants" which are essentially thick cotton undies. So the kids pee their underwear, and get the icky wet sensation. Which they want to avoid...and learn to avoid by using the potty.

Ok, I get this. It makes perfect sense. Only this also means that you need to bring tons of clean clothing to school each week (since they might pee themselves, and their pants, a few times each day...). And, you have to have extra shoes on hand. So when the pee rolls down their legs and puddles in their shoes, they have something to change into.

Ugh. I am reminded, yet again, how much I luuuuuve diapers. Did I mention that I am slightly anal and don't like messes? And am maybe a bit of a germaphobe?

The idea of cleaning out a potty chair grosses me out. It is one thing to diaper a baby, with squishy mustard-poo, and then to move into stinky poop once they eat solids....but this is all nicely, and mostly neatly, handled by a diaper. That you throw out.

Soon, I'll be washing undies (and clothes, and shoes too, apparently) that are full of poop and pee. Here's hoping she gets potty-trained in record time!!

So, yeah, wish me luck!